Friday, July 14, 2017

Update - My Scribbles

The Wonderings of Jack Coving
Democracy? - Bolloxracy!

Ah my friends, it's been some time hasn't it? I must apologise profusely for leaving you in the lurch, what was left of my sanity needed time away from the political scene. The charade of democracy and the boner for Apple which Fianna Gael so proudly grasp in their clammy, clammy hand - not even the entire contents of the Middleton distillery could pacify me. So I said, "Fuck the lot of ya and your mothers. I'm off!". Then I packed a bag and trekked across South America for a spell.

Being rid of this country for a few months was the exact escape I needed. I'd love to fill you in on my adventures but I know that's not why you're here. You don't want to flick through my snaps or hear of my escapades. No, Jack is more fun when he's giving out, not happy unless he's miserable - the mantra of the Irish man.

So what have I missed? A lot of the same old shite, it would seem. We went from blatantly conniving and socially crude Enda running the show to secretly evil and coherently suave Leo taking up the reigns. Funny thing though, before I left the country, Fianna Gael did NOT gain a majority vote in the last general election, yet their party still rules? So what, being Taoiseach is just a matter of dibs now is it? If I had known that, I would have thrown my hat in the running because the way I see it, Jack Coving has just as much right to be Taoiseach as Leo.

Perhaps I'm misjudging our glorious leader? Maybe he is the young, charming and empathetic ruler, which he is so desperately trying to portray? He's "with it" and "gets" the young adults trying to make a life for themselves. I mean check out his latest ploy, clearly the future of politics is here and cherubesque Leo is at the forefront. Genius simply isn't the word. The young and hip, "Taoiseach", has hopped on the Trump wagon and will be bestowing upon us, his weekly opinion on what he and his government are doing for us.

We don't want your weekly bias viewpoint on how things are going, you know. The media already informs us of the facts and allow us to make up our own minds, we don't need opinion. And that's exactly what these "touching base" videos are about, Leo's egotistical opinion on how he's getting on.

He's not some sort of revolutionary, man of the people. He's your typical over-opinionated, overpaid, out of touch, self righteous, pudgy, stuffed shirt. He doesn't have a clue about the ordinary working man or the poor soul, stuck, drawing the dole. He's a man who views funding for mental health to be unnecessary, sees that young couple on social welfare while working, to just barely make ends meet, as crooks and perceives Joan Burton as an innocent victim. Despite the courts ruling, he is adamant that our constitutional right to protest is wrong. 

This man cannot be trusted, the very nature of his profession is to distort facts and fudge numbers. To people like Leo it's all about looking good on the outside, forget about the stagnant core. After all, if he did indeed possess any sense of dignity or shame, he would have condemned Joan Burton's actions and would have supported the innocent citizens who had riot police banging down their doors. No, for Leo, it's about appeasing your first class friends and lining your pockets along the way. These politicians have no empathy for or understanding of the second and third class people (and yes I did mean first, second and third class. Just as with the titanic, the last boom was our luxury liner and the elites made for the lifeboats, leaving the poor to sink or swim. 

So what has dreamy Leo been up to? (I'm sorry but I can't take a man called "Leo" seriously, it just conjures images of Bert Lahr as the cowardly lion, the resemblance is striking actually!) To figure this out, I'm going to have to watch that video the whole way through, aren't I?...

Okay, so two minutes in and first of all, Jesus, I hope it was an unpaid student or an office intern with literally no experience in film making that produced the video. (I'm going to have to watch this tripe in stages, I can feel my IQ dropping with every ticking millisecond.) Ever hear of a script? Framing? A tripod? A boom? You just recorded that sound straight onto the camera mic didn't you? A golden rule of film making Leo, an audience will forgive poor picture quicker than poor sound. We can barely hear your boasts over the hum of the rolling camera and your shrill voice reverberating off the walls. And my god, why are you positioned so low down? Also, you really could have gotten rid of that mug an water bottle on your right, I don't know, a nice bouquet of roses or a big foam hand with a proud and erect middle finger sticking up and the words "Are you buying this?" splashed across the front would have been more appropriate. It needs more zazz! If your going to hop onto this video buzz, really go for it Leo, give us some razzle dazzle. I mean, that electrical socket in the background is holding my attention far better than your drawl. Have you seen Trump's bodyslam? - Epic!

Who would have thought the production quality alone would have rendered so much ammunition? I haven't even critiqued the, likely, hallow content and the vein popping in my forehead is in danger of bursting. Lets grit our teeth and push "play"... 

Well, there goes five minutes of life, where time could have been better spent tasing my testicles or shaving my eyeballs. The whole idea is on par with that hilarious Talk to Joan campaign. Nothing but a self-indulgent waffle. Now, I know nobody likes a good waffle like Jack Coving but come on, guy, put a bit of effort into it. 

You're giving us literally no further information than we already have about the North. Why didn't Covney succeed, Leo? Come on dish! 

And we're really none the wiser on the Canadian prime minister's trip. So ye had a friendly chat, discussed your common interests, discovered, shocker, that he has Irish roots and went for a pint? 

Then there's the appointment of 950 special needs assistants, great! One question though, what kind of salary will these sorely needed assistants have? Nurses and teachers are grossly underpaid as it is and now you're expecting 950 people to do the work of a saint for pittance? You ask a lot of the Irish people Leo. Like an abusive partner, it's all take, take, take with you. 

Then there's the cancer strategy, which is "really good" apparently? Coz you know, "Most people survive cancer and in the past, they didn't." That man's a doctor and he said those words?! 

He just breezed through the topic of the next budget then but, holy shit, it's cool, forget about the budget, we may be getting the rugby world cup! Because, that legislation is a priority... and a "really good result". To be honest, I'm more interested in ye vultures discussing legislation regarding the 8th ammendment.

Let's move onto the pay by weight bin charges, which are also "really good" - Jesus, Leo, this is why you need a script! It's going to reward the "good citizens who recycle." What about the bad citizens who don't? Since pay by weight has been introduced to half the country, I've only seen more illegal dumping. Beautiful country roads, where rubbish wasn't a problem before, have been transformed into a free for all dumping ground. And ppssh on your watchdog. Who makes up this group Leo? lobbyist or yourselves?

Don't even get me started on your bollox live register, which is not an interpretation of the quality of life in our country. More jobs doesn't mean a progressive country. Well paid and secured employment is the mark of a prosperous country. And if you're looking for a bit of extra tax money, give Apple a call, I hear they owe you a bit. 

Finally, he had the audacity to finish it all off by telling me that income is rising and inequality is reducing?? Gobsmacked! You are entirely delusional, or have gotten confused at which country you're leading... psst, it's not somewhere "really good", like New Zealand or Norway.

To be honest, the content isn't really even worth commenting on. Wasting five minutes of my life to prove myself right - this weekly catch up is redundant, uninformative, deceitful and far from entertaining. Needless to say, Leo's videos will not be making my weekly "must watch" list... Although it is rather therapeutic and a lot of fun pointing out Leo's incompetence.

Now, Leo, Im talking to you directly here, thats right look deep into my black, hollow eyes while I lavish my wisdom upon you. Rather than wasting your efforts to cod us into thinking that you're valuable and aren't an absolute smarmy prick, why don't you actually become valuable and actually attempt to not be a prick? It takes about the same amount of energy but comes with far more wholesome results. Or if that's too much, just simply shut the fuck up.

I think that's me emptied for now, well I could go on, however, I fear my ranting will keep you here for longer than what's recommended. I'm still hoping that I've simply been in a hallucinogenic drunken stupor for the last decade and this crock pot of shit has been my twisted imagination. 

Until next time my beautiful friends, 
Take care,

© Sarah O’Regan

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